War Is Boring‘s Newest Contributor: Kim Jong Il


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David Axe here. War Is Boring is excited beyond words to bring you our latest contributor, Dear Leader Kim Jong Il of North Korea. We hope you enjoy the Dear Leader’s wit, wisdom and insight. Please hang on every precious word. Please, do it for my Korean family.


Hello. My name is Kim Jong Il. I’m the ruler of North Korea.

You may have heard of it. North Korea is the real Korea, not the fake player Korea that makes its headquarters in Seoul. North Korea has the fourth largest military in the world, as well as nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. Not bad for a nation of only 24 million people.

I was born on a mountain under a double rainbow to my father, Kim Il Sung, the Great Leader of North Korea. I took over running the country when Dad moved on to that great Central Committee in the sky, and have been trying to steer my own course ever since. It’s been a lot of laughter, sweat, and tears, but that and the Juche Idea have forged a nation that’s quite proud of me.

Recently I started a Twitter feed. Perhaps you follow it, or read about it in The New York Times, the Telegraph, The San Francisco Chronicle, or dozens of other mouthpieces of Western imperialism. Even Wired’s Danger Room gave me a write-up.

The takeaway is that I’m kind of a big deal. But I also have an image problem. I read a lot of Internet news and commentary, and I’m beginning to realize that isolating yourself from the international press may not be the best thing. People can ascribe all sorts of crazy things to you. “Kim Jong Il wants to blow up teh world” commentary is not productive. I do not want to blow up the world, not even just your half.

As you know, I am a big fan of American movies. In Cool Hand Luke, a film depicting everyday American village life, the mayor says to comrade Paul Newman, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” That is exactly the problem I have with the West.

President Barack Obama recently sent a letter to me expressing … well, I’ll let you know when I get around to reading it. It’s a nice gesture, I guess. In return, I’m going to live up to my reputation of being a man of the people by taking my message straight to the Western public. Over the course of the next few weeks I intend to post my views and explain how I see the world so that you might understand me better.

My thanks to David Axe for providing this venue for my views. I promise I will release his large Korean family for visiting purposes as soon as this series is completed. (He didn’t even know he had one. Isn’t that funny?)

Kim Jong Il is a graduate of Kim Il Sung University and the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Chairman, National Defense Commission of North Korea, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party of North Korea.The views he expresses here are entirely the opinion of every single person living in North Korea and the owner of this blog.

(Photo: The Independent)


2 Responses to “War Is Boring‘s Newest Contributor: Kim Jong Il”

  1. Logan says:

    Isn’t this about three months early?

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